Adoption First Part 3: Sean and Naomi's Story

How many kids do you have, adopted, foster, or biological

Naomi and I currently have no children in our direct care. However, God has two kids in Kenya who are ours, and we pray for them every day that God will protect them and take care of them. So, how many kids do I have, I have two, they just haven't come home yet.

What made adoption your first option?

To be honest, I would never have considered adoption if it wasn't for my wife following God's leading and her persistence and dedication to getting me on-board. I was very scared of the idea because of all the horror stories that you hear and the general idea of, "Adoption is for people that can't have children naturally". I shamefully admit that I was stuck in the category that believes that you will never be able to love an adoptive child as much as a biological child, so why should you bring that dis-continuity into your home. Naomi and I talked about adoption before we got married because ever since she was 14 she had wanted to adopt orphans from the 3rd world. We finally came to an agreement that we would have our own biological kids first and THEN adopt. Secretly I hoped that she would somehow forget, or once we had our "own" kids, she would be so enamored with them that that would be that. We got married and about 3 years later Naomi brought up the adoption issue again. Pointing out that if we were to wait that long, with the number of kids we wanted, I would be in my 40s and we would then be beginning the adoption process, which meant that I would be in my 60s when my last child would be graduating. For some strange reason this really freaked me out. Big time! So now, the pressure was on. I realized that Naomi was not going to give up this adoption issue and I had to figure this thing out fast, or else I was going to be in my "Golden Years" and dealing with some punk kid crashing the Buick aka my adopted son! We talked, a lot, about the state of the Orphan Crisis and some of my fears. I realized that pretty much everything I was scared about was pretty much selfish crap. Realistically nobody knows what their biological kid is going to turn out like. Yes, adoptive kids can come with baggage so you do have to be sensitive to certain issues, but isn't maybe taking things a bit slower and paying more attention to your child's different needs worth giving a child a loving family then saying, 
"Oh, wow, that's too much work. That's for someone else." 
So, after talking to some friends who had adopted and doing some research we decided that we would make the choice of adopting first before we had biological children. The main reason being that because of all the potential issues we figured that we could give more time and attention to our adopted kids who might need it more. It is not a knock against those who decide differently it is simply how we chose to do things. However, I do challenge those that haven't decided yet to do your research and not to go with what you simply feel because you have been raised a certain way or how you might feel your family will react. As Christians we are all called to “to visit orphans and widows in their trouble" (James 1:27). Visiting is not the same as simply thinking about in a sad way once or twice, or feeling convicted and buying a button to support some cause. It is quite difficult to "visit" someone without doing it in person. Hence why James actually said to "visit" and not, send some money, or simply think about. It is something that we cannot get around by explaining it away. The truth is that the Church has done a horrible job in caring for widows and orphans, and it is how we will be judged, as they are "the least of these". So I challenge you to think about how you will "visit" them, and what it would mean to you if you no family and someone said, "Come here, I will love you forever and call you my son". Because that is what God has done to us and that is what we are to do to the fatherless.

What are some supports that you have that help you to successfully navigate being adoptive parents?

Since Naomi and I can only speak from the place of the adoption process, not yet from the point of view as an active parent, some may think that not much support is required; yet I can tell you that that would be a grave mistake if you went into adoption with that mindset. It is our experience that the adoption process will test every facet of your marriage, relationship with God, relationship with your family, and possibly (most likely) your relationship with your friends. It will change you and all of those relationships, not necessarily for the worse, but just as bringing a biological child into the world will change the way you view things so does adopting a child. The difference for Naomi and I is that our eyes have been opened to the depravity of man via the orphan crisis, and that has really centred our priorities. Not everyone gets that, and some people have differing ideas of how to deal with that. This can create conflict if not dealt with properly. Naturally, we are very passionate about what we are doing, to us it is a big deal, and not everyone gets that either. Since the process is so long and arduous, it becomes tedious at times and people asking questions that are simply asking for the sake of self-fulfillment begin to wear on you. 
This is where Naomi and I were in the fall. Our adoption had gone on almost a year longer than expected (it is now over a year...and counting) and we had been doing it with almost not outside support. Naomi reached out and found us an Adoption Support Group; it has truly been a blessing from God. Everything above that I mentioned these people understand as they either have gone through or are going through it themselves. They have the same passion and viewpoint on the Orphan Crisis (otherwise they wouldn't be adopting) and are actively doing something about it. 
The support group has been the biggest asset to us as we have been going through this. There are other systems as support such as reading material and other media, but really, nothing is better than being able to talk, laugh, and pray with other people that truly understand what you are going through.

Would you recommend couples to adopt as a first option and why?

This is a difficult one for me to answer, as I have nothing to compare it to. I can really only give me reason and leave it at that. 
We decided to adopt first because adopted children have different needs that biological children and many of those require one on one bonding. We felt that the best way we could deal with that is if we had no other kids vying for that attention. Also, in Naomi and I's case we have to go to Kenya and live there for roughly 8 months. We figured that this would be done most easily kid-free. 
Those are the advantages, the disadvantages are that we are going in cold, never been parents before. There are things that are going to come up that maybe a more seasoned, battle-hardened, veteran parent might handle better than us. Then again, you aren't a parent until you are a parent. I don't think anybody really gets a "jump" on parenting; so really, this is just the way we have chosen to do it. 
So, would I recommend parents to adopt first? I would recommend parents who are looking to start their families to make an informed decision. Adoption never really gets talked about unless you are unable to have biological children and that is sad. I think a lot more awareness on adoption needs to be out there, and hopefully this blog is doing that.

Adoption First Part 2 Daniel and Amanda's Story

How many kids do you have, adopted, foster, or biological

Right now, I have 5 children that God has given me to care of and bring up to be Godly men and women of God. I realize that the question is asking if they are fostered, adopted or biological. But the way I see it is that any child who comes through my door and lives with me and my family is... MINE!!!... God has entrusted that child, whether it be my biological child, a foster child or an adopted child. I am just as responsible for the kids who come into my home, as I would be if we had our own biological children. 

Being foster parents how do you balance the requirements the foster children have with the needs of your own family?

As I stated before, every child that is in my home I consider to be under my care, whether they are with me for 1 hour or 18 years, I am still there father. So I guess I would answer that question with a thought that every child is unique whether they are your own flesh and blood or not, and each one of them requires your attention at some point or another. 

What made adoption your first option?

Since I was little, I always knew that I would, in some way be helping the orphans of the world. I never knew how that would look or for how long I would be doing it for. I can’t tell you the exact point when I decided to adopt. I didn’t go to any great meeting or see some horrific pictures on the TV of starving children who needed a home. It was more a question that kept coming up in my head. And that question is such an amazing one that I now love asking other people. WHY NOT ADOPT?!!!! Like really, why not, what is stopping me and my wife from adopting. When I say that many people are thinking of 1000 reasons why they cannot adopt, but I can almost guarantee you that if that same couple found out that they were pregnant. They would make it work. God is there for each and every one of us, and I don’t believe that He would give someone a child who could not handle it. I realize that it is scary and mysterious, you have no idea what to expect at first and you have never embarked on this path before, but isn't that the exact same way that new expecting parents feel? By adopting a child, you are doing so much more than just taking that child into your life and giving it a home and a family to love them and walk with them through life. You have such an amazing ripple affect that goes beyond anything that you could ever imagine. If you think about the biological parents and all of the brother and sisters of that child, you have an effect on all of them. And the people who know that you are an adoptive family look at you in a different way. You can have such an amazing impact on the world by adopting. Ok, so all that aside, let’s face the reality of the current situation here. There are over 100,000,000 ORPHANS!!!!! In the world today. 100,000,000 that is a huge number. These are children who are never going to have a good night kiss from the same person every night, never have the same loving face to pick them up from school, snuggle them in bed, pray with them, tuck them in to bed, check for monsters in the closet, be excited for them when they get an A on their math exam or the first day of high school, when a girl has her first kiss and a boy finally gets hair on his face. A boy when he finally get his own car and has to learn how to fix it and then take a girl out on his first date. That girl who will have no one to walk her down the aisle and that boy who will have no one to tell him that he is a man. What is it that makes over 100,000,000 kids less deserving of our love, why can’t more people step up to the plate and say I’m willing?! What does it take to break a person’s heart and see that there are children longing for LOVE, AFFECTION, PEACE, EMPATHY, COMPASION, SOME ONE TO CALL MOM AND DAD! So you asked me the question why did I choose to adopt first. I guess the short answer is. Why wouldn’t you choose to adopt?




What are some supports that you have that help you to successfully navigate being adoptive parents?

Well first, of all God, my wife and I support each other and having friends around us who support us is huge as well. 

Would you recommend couples to adopt as a first option and why?

If you read question number 2, you pretty much have my answer. And that is YES! Why wouldn't you adopt first.

Adoption First

Up until a few months ago I thought of adoption as something that we needed to do as an after we have our own kids, although I knew that bringing kids into the world made them mine I separated those I would bring into my home as not wholly mine. 

    

My heart has changed.

I no longer see adoption as only a second choice I see now that it can be your first choice too. 

All of the families I previously encountered who have adopted or were thinking of adoption did so after having kids biologically or because they couldn’t have kids biologically.  

I thought that was the only way it was done; I thought that was "normal."

I have encountered a different group of people in the last six months.

Passionate people, people who view adoption not as an option examined "should it not work out" or "when we have our own kids we will go ahead with it" but men and women who view adoption as a first choice and the children they adopt as very much their own.  

There is nothing wrong with having kids biologically; I don’t want to make that statement. I am however trying to push against the way we look at the reasons for adoption.

This blog is part one of three. In this first segment, I want to introduce my questions.

In the following parts, I asked two friends to answer these questions both of these men and their wives have chosen adoption as a first option to building their family.

These men have challenged me to look at my God given desire to help the orphan in a different way, my hope and prayer is that over the next week as you read their stories that the passion they feel and the call of God that they echo will resonate in your heart.

These are questions that I would welcome others to answer if you have made adoption your first option.

Family dynamics, number of children adopted, foster, and biological.

1) What made adoption your first option? 

2) What are some supports that you have that help you to successfully navigate being adoptive parents?  

3) Would you recommend couples to adopt as a first option and why?

  

James 1:27 says God views our religion as pure and without fault, when we look after the orphan and the widow in their distress.

Support

If you have ever tried to do anything in life you know that having support is key.
For Nicole and I having support has been and will continue to be key for all areas of our life.

Take for example this blog.

What you see here is a combination of my trying a bunch of different things and getting very little result and having the support of a friend who knew how to get the most out of the tool you now see being used.

Support is the Key.

Nicole and I have a real passion to do something more then we have been doing in regard to the orphan crisis we see around us.

First we have a passion to raise awareness of the needs of orphans in our local church, our local community and on a more global scale. 

Second, we also have a passion to adopt and foster lots of kids.

These two passions have need of one common thing, support.

As far as the orphan ministry goes, we have not had the effortless road we thought would be before us when we started.

We have been putting a proposal together for our church leaders. 

That is a tough task on its own and I am less involved in that then my wife Nicole. 

She has a real gift for that sort of thing. 

I have the task of blogging our journey, which if you have been following us you might think we quite because of the lack of communication going on. 

I have to confess that the lack of seeming motion on the front of getting this ministry up and public in our church for last year has caused me to feel frustrated and disappointed. 

I could hear my friend Kristjen in my head saying "blog it" so I am.

Nicole and I have been talking about our passion, many people are excited, and we have had a few conversations with people who wanted more info as to what we are doing. 

We have even had people who wanted info never show up to a meeting we set up. This all leads to feelings of disappointment if you let it, and I did. 

Now for the how.

How do I keep a passion for this ministry in my heart when things are not going the way I expected?

Support.
As I said support is the key.

Our second passion is adoption and fostering. 

I want to focus on that for a moment. Between the last blog and this one God has richly blessed Nicole and I. In May 2012 we will be having our second child. 

This is a blessing for us I am very happy to receive.
However, this puts a hold on the adopting.
(There are stipulations as to the amount of time that must pass before we are allowed to begin the process.)

That is a major frustration.

It’s hard to explain. That I am so happy to be having another baby yet my heart aches for the children that are waiting for us and knowing that I have to wait to know them is hard for me.

I know that might sound weird and as if I don’t want the gift this new child is, that’s not it, I have just fallen in love with the children waiting for a family that will be in my family.

Again Support is Key.

We have recently joined an adoption support group it is amazing to be in a room with people who share the passion that we have.

I think that the passion that we have to adopt could be cooled if we did not intentionally put ourselves in a group that has so much passion to make a difference in the world through adopting.

I know that the next 12 months before we can start the adoption process will be hard for us but we have support so it’s not as hard.

I love our group we have some who have adopted some who want to internationally, some locally. Some have had children biologically for others the children they have or will adopt will be their first children.

Its a great cross section group. What ties us together is the passion for the challenge to make a difference in the life of an orphan.

It’s not a coincidence that the group leaders are a couple that have started a successful orphan ministry. I know that God has placed us in this support group for a reason.

I know that as we continue to make strides in adopting and in our orphan ministry that having the support of our group and friends.

Nicole and I are blessed because we have support to help us keep the passion of adoption alive in our hearts and in the forefront even though we are limited in how we can move forward we know that this is the road that we are needing to walk down and we are not doing it alone

Thank you Daniel and Amanda, for your support in starting this group and your passion to adopt.

Thank you Kristjen and Tamara, for you support with getting this blog up and for the insight into how to navigate getting our proposal done.